This morning I sat down to write a piece about seasons of doubt. I recently finished listening to an audio book about a woman whose son was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It was gut wrenching, but made even more so by the fact that the woman tried to make sense of her child’s illness and impending death outside of the hope of Christ. Where those of us who have submitted to Jesus grieve within the light of hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13), the author of this book looked far and wide for explanation and comfort, deciding that Christianity did not have the answers. For her, Christianity was too much like a cruel fairy tale. In the end, she decided that Buddhism came the closest in terms of a plausible explanation of the afterlife. But only as an explanation. Her conclusion did not offer any sense of hope or comfort for her loss.
As I listened, I found myself dipping my toe in the pool of other ontological philosophies. I wondered what it would be like to navigate my life without the Bible’s guidance, and without my belief in Christ and all of his benefits (Psalm 103:2-5). What if everything I have staked my existence on isn’t true? What if God is not good? What if, as my philosophy professor in college posited, God is an “evil deceiver?” What if God doesn’t exist at all? What then?
For crying out loud, I just wrote an entire book on the goodness of God! And yet, my mind sometimes wanders into the realm of doubt. I pray daily for God to hold me so close that separating from him would be an impossibility. Ever faithful, always good, I feel his vice grip, and though I may peek out beneath his embrace at the barren world of unbelief, he never, ever lets me go.
In trying to construct this piece, I remembered one I wrote four years ago. It fits, so I’m re-releasing it.
Why Deconversion is Not an Option: Published December 27, 2019
I have been troubled in recent months by the behavior of some prominent evangelicals. Folks who I would have considered solid in the faith are suddenly abandoning or altering the gospel they so publicly and effectually championed. So when I read this year of Josh Harris’ “falling away,” or de-construction, or de-conversion, however you wish to frame it, I found myself surprised at my reaction. In addition to feeling sorrow, I was a bit frightened, wondering if the same could ever happen to me. I have loved Jesus for more than two decades. I am a bought in, sold out, dyed-in-the-wool convert to orthodox Christianity. So I was disconcerted when recent stories of Harris’ and others’ so-called de-conversions assailed me with whispers of temptation, or at least the worry of temptation, to throw in the towel.
Christianity is a Hard Faith
Following Christ is hard. So, taking my cue from the Psalms, I will offer four reasons, in the form of lament, why falling away is tempting, followed by four reasons why leaving Christianity, difficult as it sometimes is, is not an option.
1. Hell
Of all the Christian doctrines, this is the one that challenges me the most. I don’t want there to be a hell. I want to put my head in the “a loving God wouldn’t do that” sand and deny that someone as good and love-driven as Jesus would allow people to suffer eternally. Yet, it remains that Christ warns of hell, even describes it in detail, and if I am to believe in the infallibility of Scripture and the truthfulness of Christ, I am left with no choice but to acknowledge the reality of it.
2. Suffering
For all the writing and speaking I’ve done on the subject of suffering, I still grapple with it. The oft-used objection to orthodox Christianity, how a loving God could allow people to suffer, trips me up sometimes. I want to rail against the injustice of suffering, especially the suffering of the innocent, and I want to question God.
3. Sexuality
There are people I love who are practicing homosexuals. They are nice folks, good citizens, and would give you the shirt off their back. Some also profess a belief in God. Yet the Bible rejects their marriages, their parenthood, and their brand of sexual attraction. It would be so much easier just to affirm homosexuality, and allow these nice folks to be who they want to be. And it would be easier not to be branded a bigot for my beliefs.
4. The Bible’s Claims
From outside the camp, biblical and gospel claims seem fantastical. Secular scientific explanations of creation are often expressed more cogently than the biblical one. The stories of Noah, Jonah, Samson, Job, and others are perceived from the outside as fables. And the gospel? A man is born without the biological aid of a father, grows up, performs supernatural feats, says he’s God, then dies a horrific death. Then a group of fisherman and women claim he rose again. And, the reason he allegedly died that horrific death is because there is an invisible God who requires the spilling of blood in order to be accepted by him. If blood isn’t spilled, the punishment is eternal suffering of unimaginable proportions. And Christians are called to convince the world that this is good news.
COMING TO MY SENSES
When my faith is wavering, when the challenges of Christianity and the cares and controversies of the world lead me to even entertain thoughts of pulling out, I am reminded to beg the question, “What is the alternative?” Is there a way that offers more hope, is steeped in more love, and is more plausible in the light of everything we see around us than Christianity? The answer always returns an emphatic, “No.”
Here I will offer four counter reasons why de-conversion is not an option, if it were possible at all.
1. I have found the Bible to be true.
There is no denying the authenticity of the Bible. The evidence of its validity is overwhelming, not to mention the fact that it was written by eye witnesses, or people close to eye witnesses, to the events it contains. A careful, scholarly study will show without a doubt the historicity of the biblical text, even if you don’t agree with its constructs.
2. Where else would I go?
Whenever I am tempted to fall away, I am reminded of the words of Peter in John 6:68: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” If I believe the Bible is true, then I am bound to its contents. Only Jesus offers the kind of hope the world needs. Only the gospel extends an offer of grace so compelling that people have died rather than deny it. The claims of the Christian Bible provide the most plausible explanation for the intricasies of the natural world, the vast intelligence of science, the beauty and order of math, the purity of love, the existence of evil, the appeal of sacrifice, and the very existence of anything at all. So I will hold to its teachings, even the hard ones.
3. I have seen too much.
In the years since I dedicated my life to Christ, I have seen too much evidence of his existence to deny his presence in this world. The steadfast devotion of my fellow believers, the risks they take in the name of Christ, the unflappable insistence that Christianity is true by people who have a lot to gain by denying it, and the grace-filled, comfort-rich, love-saturated workings of God in my own life, to name a few, all point to the truth of Christianity and the reality of the living Personhood of Jesus Christ.
4. If this world were solely in the hands of humans, I would be undone.
That the fate of our world would be determined by its puny inhabitants strikes trepidation beyond anything I can fathom. What a pitiless condition, what a loveless plight, to find ourselves under a sky with no beneficent advocate above it.
I understand the struggle with unbelief, yet I feel sorry for Josh Harris and others who have abandoned the faith they once upheld. As for me, I will remain “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:58), sealed and secure in an incorruptible redemption (1 Peter 1:4), waiting for the faith with which I sometimes wrestle to become sight on that glorious Day when there will be no doubt (1 Corinthians 13:12).